How to Apologize Correctly and Sincerely? 😬

Issue #84: Tips for Saying Sorry with Genuine Sincerity. A Podcast to Boost Your Savings. Life Lessons from Children.

Mar 30, 2024

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Apologizing is an ACT OF COURAGE and STRENGTH.

People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.
— Maya Angelou

When someone is hurt, a sincere and timely apology is needed to heal that relationship.

But…when it’s done wrong, it hurts the relationship more than healing.

In this issue, you will learn how to say “I’m sorry” correctly and tips on apologizing sincerely.

The method: A.A.A

Acknowledge the offending behavior and take responsibility for it;
Appreciate how your offense has impacted others.
Detail how you will make Amends, specifying what action you will take or refrain from taking to remedy the situation or how your thinking will change.

Here are a few examples of this method in practice

#1: Times are tough at work, and the stress has gotten to you. You lost your temper and reacted poorly in a meeting, showing disrespect to a colleague. Later that afternoon, you run into a colleague in a hallway and notice that they're upset.

"I'm very sorry that I raised my voice and cut you off when you were explaining your point of view. That was wrong of me [Acknowledge]. I know that my argumentativeness is unacceptable and that it reduces how comfortable and collaborative people on our team feel [Appreciate]. Starting today, when I become really passionate, I'll wait my turn, speak more quietly, and summarize what I heard others say before I contribute my perspective [Action]."

#2: You’re collaborating on a project with a colleague whose native language is different than yours. Because of the language gap, you stop asking this person for input, and they express frustration at being left out.

“I'm sorry. I was struggling to understand what you were saying and began to listen to and seek advice from others [Acknowledge]. I understand that this left you out of the conversation, which couldn't have felt good [Appreciate]. Let me ask everyone next time to contribute ideas in the chat window so that I can see everyone's contributions equally. That way, I will be able to concentrate more and better understand what you and everyone else are saying [Action].

#3: You're on a virtual call taking part in a high-pressure business meeting and are feeling nervous. You just realized, to your distress, that you mispronounced a person's name. You don't want to make a big deal of it, but you feel the need to apologize.

"I apologize for not saying your name correctly. How do you pronounce it [Acknowledge]? I can imagine that it feels uncomfortable to be called by the wrong name and that it might be challenging to correct me [Appreciate]. In the future, I will look over the list of participants and ask about pronunciations prior to starting the meeting [Action]."

Here are a few tips to practice this method

Don’t pre-apologize: When you say, ‘I might be 30 minutes late and apologize in advance,’ shows you are not sincere.
Don’t wait too long to apologize: It’s okay not to apologize right in the middle of the action, but don’t delay too long. My rule is to apologize in <24 hours.
Be specific, clear, and brief: Don’t over-apologize. Don’t try to make a big deal out of it. Keep it short and sincere.

Here is an easy visual recap of this method

I learned this method in Matt Abrahams’ book Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You’re Put on the Spot. Matt’s not just any expert—he teaches at Stanford and knows a thing or two about effective communication.

Here are a few other frameworks and tips I shared in the past to master the art of public speaking and effective communication: